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Clean and Thoughtful Jokes |
The groom says to his lovely bride “Honey, I
need to go to work, I'll see you pretty soon?” The
bride said with a sad voice “Why, don’t you see me
pretty now?”
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A reporter interviewed a 135-year-old woman.
“And what do you think is the best thing about
being over a hundred?” the reporter asked. She
simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
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“We’ve got to hire another chauffeur,” said the
steamed husband, coming home from work. “He nearly
killed me today!”
“Oh,” said his wife, “Give him another chance.”
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the
open desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see
a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you
have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click'
and I wrote click'."
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A man visits a new doctor.
“I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes,” he
tells him.
"Have you seen a doctor?” he asks.
“No, only spots!”
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(Be
positive) A
small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I said no! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!"
[Five minutes later]
"DaaaaaaaaD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to
spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
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A man speaks
frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant, and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you fool!" the man shouts. "I am her
husband"
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(Do not compare)
A father was scolding
his young son for not doing his homework.
"If I had a computer, it would be so much
easier," said the son.
"You don't need a computer," replied the
father. "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he
studied by candlelight in a log cabin."
"And when he was your age," the son replied, "He
was President of the United States!"
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(Do not lie to your
children) There
was this little kid who had a bad habit of
sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him
that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd
get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her
friends over for sisters’ study session. The boy
points to an obviously pregnant woman and says,
" mama your friend has been sucking her thumb"
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(Education is light)
Two
guys drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard?
One of them walked in the office and said, "We
need some four-by-twos." "You mean two-by-fours,
don't you?" the clerk said. "Let me go check,"
replied the man, and he went back to the truck.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning
a few moments later. "Alright. How long do you
need them?"The customer paused for a minute to
think and then finally said, "I'd better go
check." After awhile he returned to the office
and said, "A long time. We're building a house."
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(The danger
of bad theology)
A drunk gets on a bus and
sits next to a khawarj imam. The khawrij imam tells him
"I've got news for you, you're going straight to
hell!" Upon hearing that the man quickly makes
his way out of bus saying, "I'm on the wrong
bus!"
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The imam announced
that admission to the eid party will be $10.
However, ladies over 40, the admission is 5
dollars. A woman said "Do you really think I'd
give you that information for only five bucks?"
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(Do not backbite)
A family invites friends over for dinner. When
they arrived, dinner preparations were almost
finished, and the host’s young daughter was just
finishing her task of setting the table. When
they sat down to eat, the young girl's mother
said with surprise, "Why didn't you give brother
Adam a knife and fork dear?" The little boy
replied "I heard you saying he eats like a
horse."
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(Help others for the sake
of Allah) A man
came to the masjid and said to the imam in a
broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to
the terrible plight of a poor family in this
district. The father of the family is dead, the
mother is too ill to work, and the nine children
are starving. They are about to be turned into
the cold, empty streets unless someone pays
their rent, which amounts to $750." Upon
hearing the story, "The imam said, “yes we can
help, but may I ask who you are?" The man said
as tears rolled down his cheek, "I'm the
landlord," he sobbed.
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(Do your job well)
An older man was recently
hospitalized for heart trouble. "I'm so
worried," he said as his nurse plumped up
the pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who
was in the hospital because of heart trouble,
and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said
smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we
treat someone for heart trouble, they die of
heart trouble."
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(Do not give up on
your dreams) The Dean of the Islamic
university was interviewing a prospective
student.
"Why do you want to
study at the Islamic university” he asked.
"I dream of being an
imam of a big masjid, where people come on time,
place their shoes neatly on the shoe rack, turn
their cell phones off while listening
attentively to the kutbah (sermon), donate
generously, and volunteer their time and
talents for outreach programs and masjid and
community work. The dean said with a smirk on
his face, “Where did you
get this dream from?”
The student said “
From my father who is an imam.”.
"Your father was able
to do that!!!” The dean jumped out of his seat.
"No," replied the
applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
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(You
command others to do good and forget about
yourselves)
A little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink? She
suddenly notices that her mother has several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast
to her brunette hair.
She looks at her
mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that a little girl does
something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes
her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."
The little girl
thought about this revelation for a while and
said:
"You must have been
really bad to Grandma."
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An immigration officer
asked a man applying for a Green card
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
"Of course you married a woman. Did you ever
hear of anyone marrying a man?"
The man said, "My sister did."
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(New. Proper
understanding)
A wife says to her husband, "our neighbor kisses
his wife every morning before he goes to work,
why don't do the same?" with a concerned look on
his face, the man says to his wife, "it is haram
to kiss somebody else's wife."
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(New. Good parenting)
After a teacher explained to her students about
evolution , she said, "therefore I do not believe
in God, I am an atheist. Who else in this class
wants to be an atheist?" All students excitedly
raised their hands but one. The teacher said to
her, "why don't you want to be atheist." The
student said, "my father and mother taught that
Allah is the creator of everything." Upon
hearing that, the irritated teacher said, "if
your father was a moron and your mother was a
moron, would be a moron to?" The student said,
"No. I would be an atheist."
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Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe
polish?
A. Every
morning you'll rise and shine!
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Q. Why cannibals don't eat
clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
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Q. Why do sea gulls fly by the sea?
A. Because if they flew by the bay they would be
bay gulls!
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Q. What season is it when you are on a
trampoline?
A. Spring time.
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Q. What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A. A Bed.
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Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A. He was a chicken.
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Q. What is the difference between a school
teacher and a train?
A. The teacher
says spit your gum out and the train says "chew,
chew, chew".
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Q. What gets bigger and bigger as you take more
away from it?
A. A hole!
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Q. Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A. Because he was sitting on the deck!
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Q. What has four wheels and flies?
A. A garbage truck!
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Q. What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has
a million letters in it?
A. Post Office!
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Q. What are two things you cannot have for
breakfast?
A. Lunch and dinner.
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Q. How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Climb a tree and act like a nut!
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Q. What has four eyes but can't see?
A. Mississippi!
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Q. What has one horn and gives milk
A. A milk truck.
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Q. What runs but can't walk?
A. The faucet!
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